Aries
This week you will see a ghost but nobody will notice when you look startled about it since you look like that a lot of the time already anyway. Later, a serendipitous series of events - mostly vole-related - will take you on a long journey (24 yards) but when you arrive at your destination you will do nothing except clean your rear end then wander casually back in the direction you came from.
Taurus
Beware of not getting your rest. Less than 21 hours of sleep can have a negative effect on your working life.
Gemini
This week brings a significant fork in the road for you, in the form of having to decide whether to sit inside an out-of-use shelf unit or on a pile of freshly laundered towels.
Cancer
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Unless your enemy is that pressure washer Colin purchased the other day.
Leo
The time has come to make a change in your life. Specifically, stop following people to the toilet then sitting there staring at them. It’s creepy.
Virgo
A tall dark stranger is set to walk into your life this week, and then walk out again, when you take a piss in his hydrangeas. However, do not fear, because soon after that wedding bells will ring! Not for you. You’re a cat. But you’ll hear them, coming from a nearby church, and they’ll annoy you.
Libra
Your meow is actually really lame. Nobody has the guts to tell you normally, as they want to protect your feelings, but it’s high time you knew the truth.
Scorpio
The moment has come to ask some of life’s big questions. For example: “If I puke on this sofa, does it officially count as mine?”
Sagittarius
There is an ancient eastern proverb that states “Something lost often leads to something found.” The coming few days will be a case in point, as you lose that emasculating pink collar Pam and Brian bought you but find a chunk of old toast to lick nearby.
Capricorn
A big week for you! You’ll lick a spider out of next-door’s tabby’s ear and have a long, emotive dream about a Yorkshire terrier.
Aquarius
This week you will ignore an overpriced toy your owner bought to keep you occupied but piss about for hours with the polystyrene packing beads it arrived with.
Pisces
Go away. I am eating.
If you enjoyed this you will probably enjoy this book, and this one (which should ideally be read afterwards).
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Some other recent pieces by me, in case you missed them:
Just what I needed Tom. Had to say goodbye to my 13 year old black cat, Mr Cosmologist Quink, on 10th January and grief is gripping me right now. Seeing those wee cats, especially Leo has cheered me up 🐈⬛🐈⬛😻
This is what the Dr ordered, dear Tom. I'm technically a Leo, but should really be a Virgo. I wouldn't pee on the neighbour's hydrangeas as they're lovely folks, plus there's three feet of snow out there and if I tried to squat at my age I'll be stuck there. Anyway...I'm more of the sit and stare and things type (mainly birds). My two rapscallion cats do that too. They have all the mischievous but none of the grumpy bits. You cheered up a crabby old bat with the winter blues. Thank you!