Househunting On Behalf Of My Cat: A Poem

I am househunting on behalf of my cat

But there doesn’t seem to be much on the market right now

It is not as if she is asking for the moon on a stick

Just a quiet place, away from main roads

With no moronic asshole dogs next-door

Comfort and light are both very important factors for her, too

Architecturally clean lines

A seamless flow between inside and outside

And plenty of nearby soil

We are additionally striving to avoid houses with gardens that back onto children’s playgrounds or major haulage depots

We have lived in both of those

She concluded neither one was for her

Also those roads that look quiet but where people drive really fast

And streets with parrots living on them (she hasn’t explained why)

If there’s an artificial lawn, fucking forget it

“SORRY, PETS NOT CONSIDERED” say a lot of the rental houses we look at

But it does not seem to have occurred to their landlords

That my cat wouldn’t want to be considered for their exorbitantly priced shiny grey shitty house

And abhors the giant pointless wall clock and trite inspirational slogans

That it substitutes for a personality

My cat has opted out of the cash-rich, time-poor life

It’s an uncompromising personal choice for her

And I for one respect that

But it means her budget is limited

Also it’s very competitive out there right now

There are probably more cats than there ever have been

And fewer houses for those cats to live in

But I am looking hard and I am hopeful

That I’ll find just the right place for my cat

Then when I’m triple sure I have

I’ll start to consider whether it’s right for me too