SOME INTERDIMENSIONAL PORTALS I HAVE COME ACROSS DURING WALKS IN THE BRITISH COUNTRYSIDE

When I was dragged (not as reluctantly as I pretended) on walks as a child by my parents, I often amused myself by going off into my own fantasy world: I'd look at derelict buildings and imagine the banshees and spectres who lived in there, wander off into trees and do battle with the dinosaurs and quarter-wolf creatures of my imagination. Water towers were recently landed alien spacecraft. All caves contained witches or ogres. Crich Stand, in Derbyshire, which you could see from the top of my aunt’s garden, was actually the thin outpost of a notorious warlock. In my 40s, not much has changed. On walks I’m constantly looking at the architecture made by the land, and the forgotten architecture made by us which the land has begun to devour, and seeing portals to alternative dimensions: places possibly more threatening, but also probably far more magical, than the one where we live. It recently struck me that I have taken a large number of photos of these portals using my phone (sometimes I do wish I’d used a proper camera) and it might be nice to collate them in some way, rather than just letting them languish higgledy piggledy on the Cloud (whatever that is). So here, in no particular order, are some of my favourites:

1. Cave Of The Mercurial Salt Witch.

2. Gateway To The Land Of Leaping Dogs.

3. “STEP INTO THE HOLE OF MY TREEFACE TODAY TO EXPERIENCE A SPECIAL TREAT.”

4. “You can’t miss it. Straight through the gate after the giant Ronnie Corbett spectacles.”

5. “Our third album, ‘Psychedelic Root Ball’, was extremely misunderstood at the time of its release, rather ahead of its time, and sold very poorly.”

6. Bill Oddie’s Secret Pantry.

7. Mixed Day Out At The Intestine Chimney.

8. Kevin McCloud Finally Goes Off The Rails And Hides From The World.

9. Invisible Hedge Of Doom.

10. Looking Out From Mike Oldfield’s Bathroom

11. Psychedelic Troll River

12. Green Lane To Heaven

13. Temptation Portal Of The Horticultural Elfwomen.

14. “OIE £750,000. Requires some updating.”

15. Wild Garlic Box Of Doom.