A Factual Report Of An Encounter With Some Cows During A Walk in England

Cows were like, ‘What are you doing in our field?’ and I was like, ‘Well, it’s actually a public footpath. It says so over there, on a sign.’ And cows were like, ‘We don’t do signs.’ And I was like, ‘Well, if you want extra evidence, it’s in my AA walking guide, just here, where it tells me to strike across the field.’ And cows were like, ‘I never know why they write that. It sounds overdramatic.’ And I was like, ‘I know. “Walk diagonally” would be fine.’ And cows were like, ‘Anyway, don’t try to distract us. Let’s get back to the main topic. You’re not allowed in here.’ And I was like, ‘I am, and I’m walking.’ And cows were like, ‘OK, we’re charging. Geoff will go first, because she’s huge. So you better watch out.’ And I was like, ‘What kind of cow calls herself Geoff?’ And cows were like, ‘Geoff. That’s who. And don’t fucking mess with her.’ And I was like, ‘OK, no need to get aggressive. I’ll find another way to the village.’ And cows were like, ‘Yeah, you will.’ And I was like, ‘I will. I’m leaving. Right now.’ And cows were like, ‘No you’re not. You’re passing very slowly around the edge of the field, giving the impression that you’re leaving, but actually sneakily working towards your original destination.’ And I was like, ‘Yeah, I am. What are you going to do about it?’ And cows were like, ‘Well, nothing actually, because for reasons known only to ourselves we find that kind of movement less of a cause for concern.’ And then all fourteen of us resumed our business of the day, without further debate.

This is a small excerpt from my book, Notebook. If you’d like to purchase a signed copy direct from me, please email me via the contact form on my website (I also have signed copies of my books Villager, Ring The Hill, 21st-Century Yokel and Help The Witch, in case you’d like any of those as well). If you are overseas, all of these can be purchased from Blackwells with free worldwide delivery.