I agree that the risk of slipping on a banana skin is overplayed because I was once walking to the pub with my friend Adam and he trod on a banana skin which had no negative impact on his journey. Moments later though, he slipped on a couple of chips and fell to the ground. There’s no need to consider this as advice.
I *did* slip on a banana peel and fell down a whole flight of concrete & metal stairs. My friend thought it was hilarious and was incapacitated by laughter. Mythbusters can fuck off.
It is quite good luck that the invisible ink didn't stick. This essay is so relentlessly funny in part because you're a magnet for eccentric muses, some of whom could have been plucked from a Mervyn Peake novel. My favourite: "I heard crows and maybe a raven or two in the lady’s accent, which was hard to place. German? Maybe not. But definitely somewhere with no shortage of cured meat and turreted buildings teetering over limestone crags."
I have been giggling about this for five minutes. Bravo! I appreciate the underlying message as well. Quite inspired by your example!
Thank you, Tom. I enjoyed this very much. I’m not a fan of the unsolicited advice, either, especially as it usually seems to come bundled up with a weird power play. Superiority is so exhausting.
This essay! I laughed so many times that I ended up reading snippets out loud to my husband. Substack helped me find your writing which now brings me a lot of joy and I am absolutely going to check out your books. 💗
I noticed a similar phenomenon at the beginning of the century before social media conquered our culture. Starting with one or two shelves at the back of the upper floors of the bigger bookstores, over the next few years, the self help section evolved into a main floor display with best seller tables. Stocked with how to do everything better.
Laughed out loud at the start of this, and appreciated the serious content. Also the desert and crows in the voice. But ”I’m going to the sea. Yes, it has its drawbacks: it’s too big to do lengths in” pulled up a wonderful image straight out of fairy tales or tall tales: Paul Bunyan, maybe, swimming back and forth the length of the sea in order to get a little exercise in.
I see that it was actually dessert in her eyes (referring back to pudding), not desert in her voice, along with the crows. Desert in the voice is very nice, though — will claim it as my own.
Quite agree. A kindred soul especially when it comes to swimming pools.
I'm thinking of printing on my hat effoff or tattooed on my back. One woman was clearing my bag and crocs and a tin of homemade flapjacks for flapjack coffee Friday from my cubicle. I said don't touch my stuff and those crocs are a limited edition worn by my good self to an elton john concert and are worth their weight and gold and my cubicle suits my disabilities (r.a. and severe allergy to twats). Thank you Tom!
Personally, concerning large bodies of water, I gained all the skill I need as a kid, which is to tread and to float on my back endlessly, because the only time I intend to submerge myself in the unfathomable depths is when I have been ejected by the trusty vessel. Although it is admittedly a passive approach, my mom always said “If you get lost, stay in one place.”
I love this perspective. I do enjoy reading an occasional article about what works on substack, but there's only been one bit of advice that I've actually taken. Most of it, as you implied, is what works for that particular person, not what will work for me.
The thing we often forget is that people are more than just numbers. Yes, there are obviously substacks much more successful than mine. But the people who followed ME, did so to see ME, not those successful people. If I take all their advice and become them, I'm betraying the people who support me for who I am and what I do.
I enjoy listening to advice. But before I take it, I filter it through: Will I still be myself if I take this advice?
Job titles these days are becoming caricatures of themselves. I was in customer service for many years. Right around the time I left, the new corporate thing memeing through the U.S. was to create extra, extra, extra specialness job titles. I'm glad my resume doesn't say Cherished Guest Excellence Production Associate Senior Assistant Specialist, because that's what it would probably be by now! 🙈🙉🙊
I hate to be overly complimentary because I suspect Tom Cox would take it as disingenuous flattery but I love his writing. It fits perfectly with the way what I would call my inner voice narrates to me throughout days filled with various strange interactions with quirky people. I recently received The Notebook and I’m looking forward to reading it to my elderly mom whose eyes no longer permit easy reading but who will thoroughly enjoy his unadvised and unmentored style of writing. Tom Cox- my new favorite writer.
Perhaps she thought you were a priest, rather than her paternal parent?
When I lived in Edinburgh in the depressive years of my late teens/early twenties, strangers would regularly tell me to "Smile, it might never happen!" I took to looking them in the eye and saying "It already has." I don't know if it ever made any of them reconsider their approach, but I found it satisfying.
I burst into tears once when this was said to me because my dad had just died. The offender didn't know what to do. In the middle of my grief came a moment of triumph.
Same thing happened to me when my sister died. But it used to be said to me all the time as I do have resting bitch face. Now that I am older, people just think I'm grumpy and don't make a comment in case I boil them in my cauldron.
Unsolicited advice is really pretty insulting, as it suggests that the advice-giver regards you as the sort of person who lacks the resources to find out what you need to know for yourself...and, indeed, if you need to know it at all.
Peggy, I have noticed that the older I get the more likely the words are spoken instead of staying in my head, where they ought to remain. I grumbled about my mother's unwanted thought vocalisation and I have become her. Words escape along with the corvids ... the recipients will recover or entertain brilliantly by writing about them!
I too find it difficult not to vocalise - however, I shall definitely let people make their own mistakes. now....even if they are right in front of my nose!!
I love absolutely everything about this essay, and think everyone should read it.
Thanks Barbara!
My thoughts exactly.
‘….a Red Indian?’…
And..’ you know what? Fuck this. I’m out of here.. ‘ said to your swimming poker face had me roaring with laughter in a full of belly laughs essay.
Now, where’s me cross?
I’m off up that hill.😂😂👏✍️
I agree that the risk of slipping on a banana skin is overplayed because I was once walking to the pub with my friend Adam and he trod on a banana skin which had no negative impact on his journey. Moments later though, he slipped on a couple of chips and fell to the ground. There’s no need to consider this as advice.
Adding this to the list of dangers from processed foods...
write about it all the time
I *did* slip on a banana peel and fell down a whole flight of concrete & metal stairs. My friend thought it was hilarious and was incapacitated by laughter. Mythbusters can fuck off.
Ooh Shelly, I’m sorry for your loss (of footing). Your friend sounds both terrible and perfectly reasonable.
It *was* hilarious, but I was also hurt. Not catastrophically. Nothing broke in that scene.
I slipped on a pop-top and cut my heel and had to drink margaritas
An understandable reaction, ric. Anyone would have done the same.
Also a dropped scoop of ice cream is a killer waiting…just saying
It is quite good luck that the invisible ink didn't stick. This essay is so relentlessly funny in part because you're a magnet for eccentric muses, some of whom could have been plucked from a Mervyn Peake novel. My favourite: "I heard crows and maybe a raven or two in the lady’s accent, which was hard to place. German? Maybe not. But definitely somewhere with no shortage of cured meat and turreted buildings teetering over limestone crags."
I have been giggling about this for five minutes. Bravo! I appreciate the underlying message as well. Quite inspired by your example!
Thank you, Ben.
Thank you, Tom. I enjoyed this very much. I’m not a fan of the unsolicited advice, either, especially as it usually seems to come bundled up with a weird power play. Superiority is so exhausting.
Definitely a power play, more often than not. Thanks Belinda!
This essay! I laughed so many times that I ended up reading snippets out loud to my husband. Substack helped me find your writing which now brings me a lot of joy and I am absolutely going to check out your books. 💗
Thanks Nicola! Hope you both enjoy them.
They’re terrific- and you get the bonus of holding them (I do like holding books tbh)
Me too! Can’t beat a paper book!🤩
I noticed a similar phenomenon at the beginning of the century before social media conquered our culture. Starting with one or two shelves at the back of the upper floors of the bigger bookstores, over the next few years, the self help section evolved into a main floor display with best seller tables. Stocked with how to do everything better.
Shelf Help.
Nice!
Laughed out loud at the start of this, and appreciated the serious content. Also the desert and crows in the voice. But ”I’m going to the sea. Yes, it has its drawbacks: it’s too big to do lengths in” pulled up a wonderful image straight out of fairy tales or tall tales: Paul Bunyan, maybe, swimming back and forth the length of the sea in order to get a little exercise in.
I see that it was actually dessert in her eyes (referring back to pudding), not desert in her voice, along with the crows. Desert in the voice is very nice, though — will claim it as my own.
Quite agree. A kindred soul especially when it comes to swimming pools.
I'm thinking of printing on my hat effoff or tattooed on my back. One woman was clearing my bag and crocs and a tin of homemade flapjacks for flapjack coffee Friday from my cubicle. I said don't touch my stuff and those crocs are a limited edition worn by my good self to an elton john concert and are worth their weight and gold and my cubicle suits my disabilities (r.a. and severe allergy to twats). Thank you Tom!
Personally, concerning large bodies of water, I gained all the skill I need as a kid, which is to tread and to float on my back endlessly, because the only time I intend to submerge myself in the unfathomable depths is when I have been ejected by the trusty vessel. Although it is admittedly a passive approach, my mom always said “If you get lost, stay in one place.”
I love this perspective. I do enjoy reading an occasional article about what works on substack, but there's only been one bit of advice that I've actually taken. Most of it, as you implied, is what works for that particular person, not what will work for me.
The thing we often forget is that people are more than just numbers. Yes, there are obviously substacks much more successful than mine. But the people who followed ME, did so to see ME, not those successful people. If I take all their advice and become them, I'm betraying the people who support me for who I am and what I do.
I enjoy listening to advice. But before I take it, I filter it through: Will I still be myself if I take this advice?
I concur heartily with the sentiment! Another trend, is that apparently we are becoming a nation of advisors rather than nation of shopkeepers.
These are genuine job titles taken from LinkedIn.
‘Stage innovation accelerator.’
‘Shame guilt educator.’
‘Chief habit mechanic.’
‘Resilience strategist.’
‘Quantitative futurist.’
If anybody can clarify what any of these people actually do I would be extremely ……. baffled?
Job titles these days are becoming caricatures of themselves. I was in customer service for many years. Right around the time I left, the new corporate thing memeing through the U.S. was to create extra, extra, extra specialness job titles. I'm glad my resume doesn't say Cherished Guest Excellence Production Associate Senior Assistant Specialist, because that's what it would probably be by now! 🙈🙉🙊
I’ve just seen another - the University of Manchester employs a transitions manager- any vague idea what that might be?
Ha! Anything from a guy who moves your car to private parking, to telling the Dean he’s on his way out. ;)
I hate to be overly complimentary because I suspect Tom Cox would take it as disingenuous flattery but I love his writing. It fits perfectly with the way what I would call my inner voice narrates to me throughout days filled with various strange interactions with quirky people. I recently received The Notebook and I’m looking forward to reading it to my elderly mom whose eyes no longer permit easy reading but who will thoroughly enjoy his unadvised and unmentored style of writing. Tom Cox- my new favorite writer.
Perhaps she thought you were a priest, rather than her paternal parent?
When I lived in Edinburgh in the depressive years of my late teens/early twenties, strangers would regularly tell me to "Smile, it might never happen!" I took to looking them in the eye and saying "It already has." I don't know if it ever made any of them reconsider their approach, but I found it satisfying.
I burst into tears once when this was said to me because my dad had just died. The offender didn't know what to do. In the middle of my grief came a moment of triumph.
Same thing happened to me when my sister died. But it used to be said to me all the time as I do have resting bitch face. Now that I am older, people just think I'm grumpy and don't make a comment in case I boil them in my cauldron.
In my last job, I put a lot of work into my active bitch face. It was the only way to get some peace.
Oh interesting. I have not heard of active bitch face, only resting bitch face. I must give it a try.
I thought priest too.
Also have responded with "it already has" 😃
That’s what I thought too
Unsolicited advice is really pretty insulting, as it suggests that the advice-giver regards you as the sort of person who lacks the resources to find out what you need to know for yourself...and, indeed, if you need to know it at all.
I'm thinking of the man who rowed up next to my kayak last summer, against the current, to tell me I was rowing very badly.
Yes, when you've got a dinky short kayak you've bought secondhand for $50, it tracks in a zig zag, Mr "$2,500 Sea Kayak."
I’m chronically over-helpful, but I’m trying to stop. Thanks for this. Also I have corvids in my voice as well; any advice? xxoo
Peggy, I have noticed that the older I get the more likely the words are spoken instead of staying in my head, where they ought to remain. I grumbled about my mother's unwanted thought vocalisation and I have become her. Words escape along with the corvids ... the recipients will recover or entertain brilliantly by writing about them!
I too find it difficult not to vocalise - however, I shall definitely let people make their own mistakes. now....even if they are right in front of my nose!!