I posted the excerpt below from Villager on this page once before but, as my subscriber list has grown significantly since then, most of you won’t have seen it.
Diana Wilson: Inconsiderate style of writing in that Villager book. How are we expected to look back through all the pages to find who's who? There should be some sort of index.
Megan Beaker: Ask the universe.
Gary Oliver: Someone nicked mine. If anyone's got one they don't want (preferably unsigned) I'd appreciate it. Having trouble claiming for stuff after the fire.
Penelope Ralph: Technology has its uses. Mike likes to look up words on his Kindle but you can't beat a hardback if you ask me so we often get both.
Anne Cherry: I've an old kindle for sale. £10 and I'll throw in that Kerplunk no-one wanted.
Alan Rockwell: BOOK CLUB MEETING HOSTED BY ALAN ROCKWELL. GUEST SPEAKER AUTHOR TIM COX. UNDERHILL VILLAGE HALL. THURSDAY 5th 7.p.m. Tickets £5. Snacks and alcoholic drinks available. Questions after. Might be useful for some of you?
Diana: It's Tom not Tim.
Megan Beaker: We knew him as Thomas the Seer. His spirit comes from the other world and speaks to those who are listening.
Mark Laggs: These writers, always trying to screw more money out of us FFS.
Thanks India! There is a low flying helicopter that swoops over our village so regularly I think everybody has got bored talking about it. I’ve also had heard “A sheep only has one ambition in life, and that’s to wake up and die.”
“ FYI people if you're walking your dog and it pisses on my cars please knock apologise and let me know I will wash it off straight away, don't just keep walking off like you didn't see it, seriously I watched it happen 🤦♂️”
Oh my, I’m laughing myself stupid because this is our village notice board exactly.
Today someone very irate because ‘someone’ had left two bags of rubbish by their garage wall. We got chapter and verse on the contents plus photograph.
Anyone remember Martin in Ever Decreasing Circles? We have one of our own. He’s organised a litter-collecting route map akin to the tube map and colour coded as per degree of difficulty. Red Bull were contacted as they seemed to contribute the most rubbish and they kindly responded with bag hoops and litter-picking sticks to be collected from church porch before each excursion. There’s a league chart for most miles covered (seriously). We almost feel obliged to leave the odd thing along our lane to make the gnarly Yellow Route worthwhile.
Currently a storm brewing over replacing church pews with stacking chairs…
And then there’s the runaway spaniel. Attaches itself to random groups of walkers…
It's a shame we can't leave photos in comments because the "molesting station" reminds me of a pub in a village where I spent a lot of time as a child. One of the village pubs is called "The Cross Swords" but when approaching by car, a telegraph pole in front of it makes the pub look as though it's called "The Cross Words"
True fact: in 2009, around the time I was first planning a very different, never-written book, also called Villager, I walked along a street in a village in Suffolk, UK, and noticed an MOT Testing Station which, because of the position of a telegraph pole, looked like it was advertising itself as a Molesting Station. I bided my time and waited eleven fucking years to finally use that in the kind of novel it deserved. Some people have made the claim that I’m impatient by nature but I think this categorically proves otherwise.
That reminds me of a diner in my neighbourhood where I grew up in Toronto. It had a light-up sign that was supposed to read “GOOD FOOD”, but the lights in the “D” in “Good” had gone out as had most of the letters in “Food”, except for the “F”.
Because “FOOD” was arranged vertically, the sign now read “GOOF”. This name caught on and the place was thereafter affectionately called “The Goof”. I don’t think the lights ever got fixed.
I like how it assumes that cyclists always travel everywhere by bike and do not in fact also drive cars and pay "road tax". My husband is a cyclist and we also own two horribly non-ULEZ compliant diesel cars. I think if I mention that, their heads might explode.
Marvellous stuff, Tom. The threads are almost indistinguishable from my own village FB group - escaped farm animals, inconsiderate driving, fireworks, lost items, 'dangerous' teenagers. The wonderful addition is the wistful, mostly ignored Megan. The obvious omission is multiple posts of "Whose dog did this? See photo".
Unfortunately I read this delightful portrait AFTER seeing Tom’s note that many had unsubscribed because of it, and was on the lookout throughout for any reason.
That gives me a good reason to reread, and kudos to Tom for happily accepting the balance of having shed a few followers who clearly were unaware of what he was all about while delighting many others, and selling a few books, to boot.
Our village Facebook group is mostly people moaning about dog poo or parking, but occasionally has moments of brilliance. Last year someone's peacock and peahens got out and went on someone else's roof. The ensuing peacock saga kept me entertained for DAYS!
You are the only author for whom I’d follow into a message board chat. Such a great laugh. Megan and Sheila were gems! I was half expecting Alan to offer another session with alcohol and free admission. Thanks for the giggles!
I had just finished this chapter yesterday and wanted to tell you how much I loved this and the characters, can just picture them as they're exactly like the ones in my village and our message board! Maybe there's a Megan too???
Diana Wilson: Inconsiderate style of writing in that Villager book. How are we expected to look back through all the pages to find who's who? There should be some sort of index.
Megan Beaker: Ask the universe.
Gary Oliver: Someone nicked mine. If anyone's got one they don't want (preferably unsigned) I'd appreciate it. Having trouble claiming for stuff after the fire.
Penelope Ralph: Technology has its uses. Mike likes to look up words on his Kindle but you can't beat a hardback if you ask me so we often get both.
Anne Cherry: I've an old kindle for sale. £10 and I'll throw in that Kerplunk no-one wanted.
Alan Rockwell: BOOK CLUB MEETING HOSTED BY ALAN ROCKWELL. GUEST SPEAKER AUTHOR TIM COX. UNDERHILL VILLAGE HALL. THURSDAY 5th 7.p.m. Tickets £5. Snacks and alcoholic drinks available. Questions after. Might be useful for some of you?
Diana: It's Tom not Tim.
Megan Beaker: We knew him as Thomas the Seer. His spirit comes from the other world and speaks to those who are listening.
Mark Laggs: These writers, always trying to screw more money out of us FFS.
I think this might be my first fan fiction, and I love it.
Ooh I'm a fangirl!
Sorry couldn't help but be inspired. Love the book, and that chapter especially made me howl.
But I promise not to stalk you.
Stalk him. Stalk him. Stalk him. 🤣
It’s in my tbr pile, so I don’t know the characters yet, but what you did in this post made me put it back at the top. 🏆
Hurray!
Oh lord. I nearly had to change underwear I laughed so hard
Imagine the state of me after reading Tom's whole chapter...
(Or rather, don't)
Hihihi
ALAN: Someone’s knicked my random price generator.
Pure genius 🤩
“Sheep know 99 easy ways to die but are always searching hard for the 100th.”
Here in Mount Pleasant (which doth indeed protest too much” the word is (with strong Australian drawl)
“Sheep have only got one ambition, and that’s to die”
The only comment missing from that board (that is regularly on ours) is
“does anybody know why that helicopter is up there ?”
Now I’m going to go back and read them all again.
Thanks India! There is a low flying helicopter that swoops over our village so regularly I think everybody has got bored talking about it. I’ve also had heard “A sheep only has one ambition in life, and that’s to wake up and die.”
There is a helicopter above me as I read this.
And on our message group: 'who didn't pick up their dog poo off the beach'
Here’s a beauty from ours yesterday, verbatim.
“ FYI people if you're walking your dog and it pisses on my cars please knock apologise and let me know I will wash it off straight away, don't just keep walking off like you didn't see it, seriously I watched it happen 🤦♂️”
Cars plural!! I’d be pissing on his cars if I saw that note!!
🤣🤣🤣
🤣🤣🤣
so true about the helicopter. I’m loving all these additions 🤣
I could read this notice board continuously, forever. Brilliant.
Thanks Karen!
Can we have a noticeboard of the week, Tom?
I might give that some serious consideration…
Bear would have approved!
I see a collaborative Thread or Chat or whatever those Substack things are called ... let the fan fiction flow!
Same!
Ah, Megan. All message boards should have a Megan.
Oh my, I’m laughing myself stupid because this is our village notice board exactly.
Today someone very irate because ‘someone’ had left two bags of rubbish by their garage wall. We got chapter and verse on the contents plus photograph.
Anyone remember Martin in Ever Decreasing Circles? We have one of our own. He’s organised a litter-collecting route map akin to the tube map and colour coded as per degree of difficulty. Red Bull were contacted as they seemed to contribute the most rubbish and they kindly responded with bag hoops and litter-picking sticks to be collected from church porch before each excursion. There’s a league chart for most miles covered (seriously). We almost feel obliged to leave the odd thing along our lane to make the gnarly Yellow Route worthwhile.
Currently a storm brewing over replacing church pews with stacking chairs…
And then there’s the runaway spaniel. Attaches itself to random groups of walkers…
It's a shame we can't leave photos in comments because the "molesting station" reminds me of a pub in a village where I spent a lot of time as a child. One of the village pubs is called "The Cross Swords" but when approaching by car, a telegraph pole in front of it makes the pub look as though it's called "The Cross Words"
True fact: in 2009, around the time I was first planning a very different, never-written book, also called Villager, I walked along a street in a village in Suffolk, UK, and noticed an MOT Testing Station which, because of the position of a telegraph pole, looked like it was advertising itself as a Molesting Station. I bided my time and waited eleven fucking years to finally use that in the kind of novel it deserved. Some people have made the claim that I’m impatient by nature but I think this categorically proves otherwise.
Oh I love this more than I can say 🤣🤣🤣. Everything from holding that spark of genius for 11 years to the dialogue itself. Tom, I applaud you 👏👏👏👏
Thanks Emma!
That reminds me of a diner in my neighbourhood where I grew up in Toronto. It had a light-up sign that was supposed to read “GOOD FOOD”, but the lights in the “D” in “Good” had gone out as had most of the letters in “Food”, except for the “F”.
Because “FOOD” was arranged vertically, the sign now read “GOOF”. This name caught on and the place was thereafter affectionately called “The Goof”. I don’t think the lights ever got fixed.
OMG, the beaches and the Goof, good times.
Cool - a fellow Beacher! They were good times.
Just read the black lab comment and I’m shaking with laughter!😆
Refreshing lack of pothole complaints in Underhill. Ours goes:
Local Council: we're about to start resurfacing on Beech Road
1000 posts that go:
What about Elm Road?
What about Cavendish Gardens?
When are you doing to do Gleneagles Drive? Our road has never been done in the 25 years I've lived here.
What about Stuart Road? Etcetcetc
And then some stuff about how cyclists should pay road tax or be shot.
That last one about cyclists! Brilliant. I am a cyclist, but son is a mountain biker and feels the same way about cyclists - pay tax, or else!
I like how it assumes that cyclists always travel everywhere by bike and do not in fact also drive cars and pay "road tax". My husband is a cyclist and we also own two horribly non-ULEZ compliant diesel cars. I think if I mention that, their heads might explode.
Oh Diana... We all know a Diana Wilson. I may be a Diana Wilson.
I definitely have Diana days...!
Marvellous stuff, Tom. The threads are almost indistinguishable from my own village FB group - escaped farm animals, inconsiderate driving, fireworks, lost items, 'dangerous' teenagers. The wonderful addition is the wistful, mostly ignored Megan. The obvious omission is multiple posts of "Whose dog did this? See photo".
Unfortunately I read this delightful portrait AFTER seeing Tom’s note that many had unsubscribed because of it, and was on the lookout throughout for any reason.
That gives me a good reason to reread, and kudos to Tom for happily accepting the balance of having shed a few followers who clearly were unaware of what he was all about while delighting many others, and selling a few books, to boot.
Cheers Mike!
Our village Facebook group is mostly people moaning about dog poo or parking, but occasionally has moments of brilliance. Last year someone's peacock and peahens got out and went on someone else's roof. The ensuing peacock saga kept me entertained for DAYS!
You are the only author for whom I’d follow into a message board chat. Such a great laugh. Megan and Sheila were gems! I was half expecting Alan to offer another session with alcohol and free admission. Thanks for the giggles!
Thanks Shea!
I had just finished this chapter yesterday and wanted to tell you how much I loved this and the characters, can just picture them as they're exactly like the ones in my village and our message board! Maybe there's a Megan too???
Thanks Catriona. How nice to hear! I think every village has a Megan, hiding somewhere.
I find myself seized by the desire to move to an English village.
Can you drive?
Do you have disposable surplus income?
Good private health care?
Kids?
Oldies?
Tolerance of small minded whingers who complain incessantly about everything despite having been nowhere done nothing and understand even less?
Patience for noone you're paying to do something ever arriving on time?
No shops or anything open within 10sq miles after 7pm?
Have been covid grumpy for days now, but no longer!!! Laugh out loud stuff, even with a dodgy throat. Thanks Tom ☺️
Thanks Gareth. Get well soon!